Fisting: The Path To A VERY Close Relationship

You see? This is what happens when straight people stumble onto gay lingo. If you don't know what "fisting" really means, then you're lucky. I'm reminded of the time on Mythbusters when they were trying to see if you could really get a shark to go away by punching it on the nose and they were amazed that you can actually find a latex fist and arm in San Fransisco. Does a bear defecate in the forest?!?!

Ode to my Jockstrap

Taking the advice of an online friend, I decided to forgo my run - I hate doing anything outdoors in this blistering cold - and try jumping rope instead. Bad idea! Well, perhaps it's more appropriate for me to state that this is a bad idea if preparation for a grown man to bounce up and down, unsupported for any length of time is not made. Let's just say James and the Giant Peaches were moving like a speedbag for a midget boxer and I'm walking a bit funny today. There's nothing like pummeling yourself with your own genitalia.

Jockstraps: not just for gay porn anymore.

Protect The Sanctity of Marriage, Sign This Petition!

Christians who supported Proposition 8 in California to ban gay marriage have stated that they have done so without malice to protect the sanctity of marriage. Recently, I have seen several (poorly) designed shirts, posters and signs that have been released onto the Internets depicting a bathroom-style stick figure in pants, the addition sign (+), a skirted female figure, the equal sign (=) and the word marriage. Perhaps this is just my dyscalculia speaking, but I have always believed that marriage was about love, not math.

Gay activists have nonsensically responded to this loving stand with marches, rallies, calls to abolish divorce and even “A Day without a Gay” movements (an attempt to get homosexuals to call-in gay to work). These misguided individuals have obviously overlooked the love and care with which supporters of Prop 8 conducted their campaign to defend the holiness of their heterosexual marriages. It is clear to me that Prop 8 supporters have taken a decisive and necessary step in protecting their unions against the homosexual menace.

Individuals who supported Prop 8 have (with respect and compassion) protected their marriages from the threat of His and His bath towels, the mind-boggling prospect of deciphering whether Larry or Mark is “the man”, as well as having to ponder what it is, exactly, that lesbians do in bed anyway. With these potentially devastating circumstances in mind, I have decided to lovingly and respectful aid these ailing Christians in protecting the sanctity of their marriages… by moving to repeal the “no fault” divorce law in California, re-criminalize adultery and reinstate its punishment as prescribed in the Bible.

Adultery is one of the primary reasons cited for a divorce – despite an exhaustive search; I can find no evidence that anyone has ever cited “gay marriage” as the reason for their divorce proceedings. The Tenth Commandment clearly forbids adultery (although, oddly enough, none of the Commandments speak of the sin of gay marriage…) and that it is a crime punishable by death. Jesus taught that it is a sin (though he never mentioned that sex between two people of the same gender is at all sinful {?}). Adultery is a serious threat to the sanctity of marriage.

The re-criminalization of adultery would not only be beneficial (and Biblically compliant) to the institution of marriage, but would also aid in our country’s economic re-vitalization! Carpenters (Jesus’ profession) would receive massive influx of new business for the creation of stocks in which to keep male adulterers and seamstresses could make extra money sewing together scarlet ‘A’s for adulteresses.

Please, I ask you to sign my petition to repeal California’s “no fault” divorce law and re-criminalize adultery, and reinstate its punishment as prescribed in the Christian Bible by clicking here. I will be sending the is petition, once it has reached 50,000 votes, to California lawmakers so that they may consider doing God’s appointed duty and writing this archaic and out-dated mode of social control into law once again.

I would ask that you post this message, as well as a link to the petition on your blog or website, e-mail this message and link to possible supports, and tell as many other people as possible. Together, we can aid our heterosexual brothers and sisters defend the sacredness of their marriages.