Drama-Free Birthdays

I'm twenty-nine years old today. I don't know why but it feels better spelling the entire word, rather than expressing it numerically.

You know? I don't actually care that I'm only one year away from the big three-oh. With all the shit I've been through, you couldn't pay me to go back to twenty-five. Besides, I have to celebrate every last second of this birthday, because it's got to last five more years before I decide to turn thirty. I'll just start celebrating the anniversary of my twenty-ninth.

No, no, really; I'm happy to be twenty-nine today. Mostly, I am happy that my life is becoming more drama-free with every year. So, in honor of the passing of my more emotional years, here's a list of the drama I wish other people would get over:

1) People who constantly threaten to delete their Myspace/Facebook/Livejournal account

Okay, I admit I was one of these people at one time, but come on! Grow up! I say this with all the Christian love and kindness I can possibly muster: get therapy or get the razor blade ready - remember kids; it's down the street, not across the road.

2) People who try to initiate text message conversations

Your English teachers should be bitch-slapped for letting you spell with numbers. In my book, text messaging is one step above smoke signals. If it's ease we're looking for in our communication, perhaps we should all learn semaphore and Esperanto?

3) Bikers who point rapidly in the direction they're turning, rather than learning the appropriate traffic hand signals

When I see some trog biking with a bright orange helmet and kneepads, pretending he's Lance Armstrong with Creatine in his water bottle that doesn't know the proper way to tell motorists that he's about to turn, I want to run him down just to prove my point. Don't worry about testicular cancer pal, you'll be lucky if you have one nut when I'm done.

4) This guy from Top Chef Season 4


I keep half-expecting Dr. House to hobble into the kitchen and call him an Australian homo.

5) Laffy-daffy little queens that think anyone over twenty-five is old

I'm not getting older, I'm getting better!

6) Horny midget twinks

I am 6'1". I'm only a little over average male height for a man in Texas, but I'm a giant compared to some men - especially those on the East coast. I went to all kinds of bars when I was in New Jersey (I love Italian men!) and I felt like I was walking into the Wizard of Oz during the Lollipop Guild's number.

By the by, one of the friends with whom I was traveling told the story of how he and a coworker were trying to ascertain whether or not I was gay - I'll get to this annoyance later - and mentioned that they tried to see if I would sing along with the song I Will Survive as it was playing in the sub shop across from the office, then an irksome little blonde twinkie who spent most of the night informing us all that he was the definition of a twink said, "I'll survive if I can be your top," to me.

I looked at him and replied, "Baby, you'd need a highchair just to reach my ass!"

7) Those that try to ascertain whether someone is gay or not with stupid, meaningless litmus tests

If you want to know whether someone is gay or not, ask them. It's the simplest solution. If they say yes, then they are. If they say no, then they still might be, but it's the most polite way of telling you that it's none of your business - which it isn't.

8) Women that refer to heterosexuality as "normal"

I am normal and I am gay. I am also autistic, which is also not referred to as “normal”, but non-neurotypical.

9) Women that seduce gay men

Look, I know gay men are better. We smell better, we know how to treat women, many of us like to shop and dance and don't worry about what other men think of us doing so...

Let me just put it this way: the movie Teeth just confirms everything I've ever believed about vagina.

10) People that don't think they are representatives of their communities

Look, we all live in a community, whether we like it or not. We are all apart of several different groups of people. It doesn't matter if you like it or if you don't, you are a representative of your community. The human brain is geared towards patterns; if we see one gay person acting a certain way, then it will pattern that behavior as being "gay". It's not politically correct - hell, it's not even correct! - but it's true. So get used to it and be a good ambassador for your community!