The Gossip I Hate, Girl

Gossip Girl will have to share this hate valentine with Jossip. David Hauslaib's imitation Gawker site that launches a daily New-Yorker-than-thou assault news and entrainment proves that it's as flexible as a contortionist as it pats itself on the back while kissing the CW's ass for placing banner ads at exorbitant cost and raising the painfully vapid show's viewer base from four twelve year-old girls to eight. All the while, they tip-toe around the faltering network, but still manage to get snarky with the Gossip Girl author. Not that I'm trying to defend the literary twit - trust me, I have enough hate to go around. I just find it a little distasteful, that's all. Not at all classy.

Still, the primary focus of my hatred is for the least talented, most self-absorbed cast about spoiled rich brats in New York. I know I may be bombing my New York readers here, but I can't stand the New York attitude. I also really don't like how everyone that manages to string 100,000 words together, set a book in the Big Apple and write inanely about shoes and trust funds pulls a Times Bestseller out of their ass these days. I truly believe the whole show is in poor taste now that we may be eating our family pets for sustenance and burning family heirlooms for heat in the current credit crisis. I couldn't care less about what teenage slut is getting nailed in a bus bathroom with all the other problems in this world.

I only have this left to say: INF Daily wrote, "So when do you think they're getting around to filming the all-male, all-topless episode of Gossip Girl???" Oh, sweetheart, I think they've already gotten around to that, but I doubt they've filmed it.

Chupa Needs To Deflate Now

What evil will keeps Rachel Zoe, that husk of a woman, up and animated. Is her gay husband also a necromancer? Maybe he's not gay at all and it's just the thought of kissing the animated corpse of a woman possessed by a demon from hell that makes all of their intimate interactions seem so uncomfortable. I'm waiting for Liz and Hell Boy to show up and Zoe to start spitting fire and spilling her black, acidic blood all over a group of FBI agents.

Whatever it is, we know Zoe doesn't require food, but she might bathe in the blood of young girls and bow down to the cow-headed goddess Botoxia. She's a size zero, which doesn't seem like a lot of evil, but she magnifies her ungodly abilities by cavorting with "stars" like Nichole Richie. Richie and Rach must fight over who has to snort the last of the oxygen in the room as they both continue to hold their breath lest their ribs collapse under the weight of normal room pressure. It's okay though... Zoe has two assistants now, so there's always someone for blow into her nozzle and fill her full of hot air.

Zoe, you're the original hot pocket!

"The Hills" Twits Need To Be Eaten

I cannot be alone in my hatred of the TMM (Television Minus Music) show, The Hills. These intellect sucking vamprissies lower the bar in obscenely stupid, moronic entertainment on a weekly basis. They make a mockery out of little things like talent, class, style and sophistication. They make celebrities out of people who should, by all rights, be begging for coins on the streets of LA.

I hope that the creepy bald guy from The Hills Have Eyes crawls out of his cave to sauté these pom-poms - Malibu Barbie with Shrimp.

The Queen of all Mediocrity Needs To Go Away

Porkez Hilton makes me wish the morning-after pill was retroactive so I could stuff a handful down his mother's throat. This thieving pit-stain steals from other bloggers, graphic artists, photographers and collective human intellect. He's talentless, tasteless and unfunny. Stop giving money to this lumpy sack of foul-smelling crap.

He's been asked to be the queer spokesperson for Levis - and might I mention that it's sickening to think that anyone among the straight community thinks that the anyone in the gay community feels comfortable allowing Mario to speak for us - now that they've decided to pander to the gay community with segments on the Logo network (it's like Lifetime, but even less people are watching) for gobs of gay green. Like any self-respecting gay man would be caught in a brand of jeans sold at Wal-Mart...

Perez Hilton isn't the pride of the gay community, he's the shame. He's a walking, talking stereotype that makes us all look like whinny, lisping, gossipy, bitchy hacks that steal from one another rather than attempting to produce anything original. There's nothing to be proud of in his never-in-fashion plaid slacks with elastic waistbands.

Steal this post, you human skidmark!

Elizabeth Hasselbitch, Please Die NOW!

This hate valentine goes to the deluded, empty-headed, gum-for-brains bimbo from The View, Elizabeth Hasselbitch. This rancid Hostess Twinkie with ladywood for McCain and an urge to wrestle in tapioca with Sarah Palin just can't get it through her head that no one cares for whom she votes.

In an interview at a Republican fundraiser she hosted, she made the mistake of revealing behind-the-scenes information regarding the show she and four other cackling hens annoy America with on a daily basis. She twisted the facts to make Cindy McCain, the Borg Queen, look as if she had nothing to hide behind her human-faced mask. It's ironic that she referenced campaigning females hiding things, considering Sarah Palin is now trying to convince the media that Alaska, indeed, doesn't exist and she's single-handedly been protecting the U.S. from polar bear invasion.

Hasselbitch, I think you should be deported to one of those countries whose only income originates from selling children to Angelina Jolie-Pitt. Why is it you keep insisting that your opinion matters? Give a shotgun a BJ, you worthless she-beast.

Million Dollar Ewoks

I loathe Tuesday night television and its reality bore-fest. There's nothing remotely interesting on, with the possible exception of the new X-files/Lost knockoff, Fringe. We'll have to wait and see if that's actually any good. To top that all off we have two of the worst, most vapid and annoying shows on the planet to suffer through: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and Million Dollar Listing.

If it wasn't bad enough that we have to see Janice Jackson and her cavalcade of cosmetic surgery horrors as she tells a bunch of overly pampered models who need to get real jobs, but are devoid of anything remotely resembling talent that they're too fat - size zero doesn't cut it, fatso - then we have the self-absorbed Ewoks of Million Dollar Listing trying to sell real estate (as opposed to fake estate - thanks Fannie Mae!) to irk us to the point of a cruel murder/suicide pact.

This season of the show is over and not a moment too soon, but they cannot escape a hate valentine from yours truly.

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Shaun Industry™ is full of hate. His first hateful novel, Theorhetorical, is nearly finished. He lives in a loathsome neighborhood, full of vile people. He loves his two hell hounds and his magic turntables of +1 evil.



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