Things I Learned From This Election Cycle

America is nothing if not a nation of learning and education. This election year has brought us many lessons, as well as many laughs - thanks The Daily Show!

So, I bring you a list of things that this election has taught me:

#1) There is always something that we all, Republican and Democrat alike, can agree upon. In this case, it appears we all agree that West Virginia is a shithole. It's truly the irregularly-shaped, oblong anus of the country.

#2) If you want your son to grow-up to be a brainless douchebag, name him Tucker.

Exhibit A) Tucker Bounds
Exhibit B) Tucker Carlson
Exhibit C) Tucker Max

#3) Should you find yourself loosing any contest, you should throw all decorum out the window and swing wildly at your opponent, preferably using words that are really scary to inbred morons - like your running mate.

#4) You should always vote opposite of anyone appearing on The Hills.

#5) In the Republican dictionary, fairness equals "socialism" and brain-dead equals sassy.

#6) It always takes a Democrat to clean-up the mess left by a Republican.

Goodnight and good luck... oh, and God speed!

P.S. - Check-out Gravy and Biscuits for an awesome giveaway - including a $25 gift card to Macy's and other fun prizes!

A Question for Sarah Palin

You’d have to be living under the same rock as Osama Bin Ladin not to have heard the recent attacks by the McCain/Palin campaign calling Barack Obama’s economic and tax policies socialist. Many news organizations have called out McCain on his unequivocal support for the Wall Street bailout and the nationalization of America’s banking system in relation to his latest accusations of socialism, but no one is ‘nailin’ Palin’ on the latest bone tossed to her by McCain to launch “socialism” attacks on the Obama ticket.

The definition of socialism: a theory or system of social organization advocating placing the ownership and control of capital, land, and means of production in the community as a whole (on an individual basis or through a local or central governing agency) and planning the proceeds of such to be distributed as evenly as possible through general population.

Hmmm… That’s interesting, isn’t it? That definition puts me in mind of a certain Alaskan policy whereby Alaskans receive a yearly check – this year’s check will be for $3,269 dollars – in exchange for the rape of the Alaskan wilderness by big oil companies (and Palin advocates that the Alaskan wilderness pay for its own rape kit). Luckily, that rape kit is tax free, as are all goods in Alaska due to its lack of sales tax. There is also no income tax. In defense of Alaskans, many use these funds to pay off debts and purchase fuel for heating their homes. Not unlike how millions of poor Americans would use Obama’s sponsored tax cuts, I suspect.

Knowing all this Governor Palin, do you still want to continue to call Obama a socialist that advocates a tax policy equivalent to “welfare”? Are you making these attacks because you haven’t realized the irony, or are you really as empty-headed as you appear every time you open your mouth in public?

Hiatus

Well, folks, I hope you like Hate Valentine. I put a lot of love into the layout and I personally like what I was able to somehow do with the logo with my limited Photoshop skills - all self-taught. It's my baby and it's still in its infancy, so it's a little painful to do this, but I'm taking a bit of a blogging hiatus to focus on returning to college and getting my novel out there and, hopefully, into your hot little hands.

Make no mistake, HV is my love and I love the fact that I have the domain, the original idea (btw, I am adding the definition of a 'hate valentine' to the Urban Dictionary), and the look and feel of the site. I'm not leaving for good, but I need a little breather. Blogging is fun, but it has taken a lot out of my lately. I feel sometimes as if I must be constantly on, making you all laugh. It's fun and I think I've gotten fairly good at it, but it takes a lot of stamina to do it not once, but several times a day. I'd like to see what I can do with that energy in a more sustainable way: channeling it into my writing. I'm going to need that energy as I have decided to major in creative writing and minor in advertising.

But, I don't want you all to go cold turkey, so tomorrow I'll be posting a synopsis of my novel and linking to an excerpt.

See you all in cyberland, bloggies!

Communism vs. Socialism

Doesn't Socialism suck ya'll? Dirty commies givin' handouts to college students, the elderly, the disabled... Doesn't it just make you sick?

Now that our government has turned Communist - FYI: Communism and Socialism aren't the same thing! It may surprise you to know that all democratic nations throughout the world today are limitedly socialist. Why? Because you have to have a work force that is happy, healthy, and educated for the best economy... - I thought I'd give you a list (not necessarily complete) of some other filthy red institutions right here in America's heartland!

- Public Libraries
- Public Parks
- Fire Departments
- Free Clinics
- Social Services
- Social Security
- Public Schools
- Federal Grant and Loan Programs
- Public Universities
- State and National Departments of Health

Sickening, isn't it?

Wife After Death

Following the success of Debra Messing's TV movie, The Starter Wife, Debra's moving on to two new television series': The Starter Wife (the series) and The Starter Mannequin. Now, we all know how much the series' love to make wife puns, so I thought I'd add a few suggestions to the pot.

-Wife learns Photoshop, removes all signs of character (and humanity) from face.

-Wife has eyelids surgically removed.

-Wife scares the f*ck out of children with her inability to blink or breath.

-Wife gets patted on the back while doing a Loretta Swit impression, face stays that way.

-Wife gets career as wax statue at Madam Trousseau's.

And finally,

-Wife communicates with husband through John Edward.

Bristol Palin, Is That You?

I log onto my Myspace account today to find this little genius - a fifteen year-old girl - wanting to be my cyber friend. Sorry, Ash, but illiteracy is not cute. To answer your question; no, I am not really gay. I am fake gay. I thought I'd get used to the anal sex and rainbow accoutrement but I'm still adjusting. And yes, gay men "have bigger cocks", which is why the anal sex is still a problem.

Midnight Maneuvers

Recently haven taken a first aid course, I have learned that a life-saving maneuver named after the doctor who invented it has (uncooly) been copyrighted against people using it's former name. Thanks, Doctor Heimlich!

The doctor claimed, previous to his copyright protection, that his maneuver doesn't just save from a choking death, but from heart attacks, drowning, pants crapping and zombieism. Think about it! Zombieism. Have you ever seen anyone try it on the big screen when faced with the flesh-eating undead? Maybe it's just somebody they ate.

So, I've decided to give humanity a helping hand and rename this life-saving act.

Choice #1 - A Food Cesarean

Choice #2 - Add Music and You're Going To Baptist Hell Twist

Choice #3 - The Non-Sexual Reach-Around

Just doing my part, people!

A Note On The Picture: I'm really glad they added food coming out of the dog's mouth, or else that picture is just plain wrong.

Reality Check

It was a trying night for reality television on the gayest of reality networks, Bravo, on Wednesday night. First, Jerrell was (rightfully) kicked off of Project Runway. No longer will we have to suffer through garish bead work and and overworked fishnet outfits. Also exciting: the judges accused Kenley of knocking off Alexander McQueen. I, however, feel that both designers knocked off Big Bird.

Later that night, on Top Design, we had to bid a fond farewell to our favorite Asian Truman Capote impersonator with a name more fun to say than bungalow and utilitarianism, Wizit. We'll miss you Cheez-Whiz Pingpong!

Palin's Theory Of Relativity

According to Sarah Palin, because Alaska is relatively close to Russia, she has foreign policy experience. Also, recently, she has inferred that, because Barack Obama was relatively close to William Ayers (a radical, domestic terrorist in the sixties), Obama is a domestic terrorist. It would seem that, either despite or because of her general lack of political knowledge, Palin is forming her own political doctrine: He Who Smelt It, Delt It Doctorine.

David Cook Is Made To Eat His Own Guitar

When I was fifteen, my father caught me smoking a red. He grabbed me by the scuff of my neck like a cat, and made me lead him to the pack I had stolen from my uncle. Then, he made me eat the entire pack. Needless to say, whenever I see someone puffing on a coffin nail, I get a little queasy and feel the need to vomit - just as I did the under my father's supervision. He drove his point home and it looks like someone is using this fatherly lesson with American Idol "winner" David Cook.

Following the favorite punishment of parents and bullies everywhere, David Cook is forced by the legitimate musicians - and by that, I mean people with real musical ability - to eat his own guitar.

Somewhere, Seacrest is hiding a stiffy.

Bald Economics

The US Treasury Department has a new czar in charge of the $700 billion dollar bailout in aid to Seceratary Henry Paulson, Neel Kashkari. Kashkari is the ex-Goldman Sacks vice president who was previously a Principal investigator at a California company that developed the James Webb space telescope and other NASA projects.

What the public doesn't know are the recuirements Paulson set when choosing his bailout czar. Luckily, I have deciphered his code. Here it is:

1) Kashari had to beat Paulson in two out of three games of Monopoly.

2) He had to agree to be called a "czar" as a sly, underhanded shot at the socialist system that allows our government to give $700 billion to private industry to save them from themselves, which all the talking heads will refer to (incorrectly) as communism.

3) He had to bear a striking resemblance to a bald eagle - what could be more American?

4) He had to have crazy-ass, psychotic, extra-chromosome-lookin' eyes - incidentally, he almost lost on this quality to Audrina Patridge.

Must... Not... Make... Food-Related... Sex... Joke...

Come on! He's eating her taco and looking at her melons! But seriously, aren't these two six-figure earners? Why on Earth would someone making over $100,000 a year eat soggy Alpo out of a taco shell from the dollar menu? Meanwhile, Spence is trying to hid his tiny penner while he should be stopping children from stealing his Lucky Charms.

Hate Valetine Is Good For You!

See, hate isn't all that bad! If only Chupacabra and Nicky Sticks read this blog. Maybe Nicky's little girl would be able to avoid a lifetime of eating disorders.