Austin Original Lost Last Week

Just last week, Austin got a little less weird with the lost of homeless activist and advocate, Jennifer Gale. For those who don't know Gale, she was famous around Austin for her unsuccessful bids at elected city government positions (including mayoral races in Austin and Dallas) and for her work to better her community in general.

I'd only spoken to Jennifer a handful of times, and her ideas could be a bit out-of-touch with reality - she once circulated a petition to legalize a smoking section in the Frank Erwin Center, for marijuana smoking, that is... Regardless of her politics, her life as a homeless person, her political style (she was known to address the city council in song) or her elusive gender status (she was presumed to be a male-to-female transsexual, though she never identified her gender status in any public way - and why should she? I don't go around informing people that I was born male and identify as male), Gale was a caring and kindhearted individual with a passion for grassroots organization and the empowerment of her community. Austin is a little less weird, a little less vibrant for its loss of Jennifer.

I once gave Jennifer an impromptu elocution lesson at the campus Gatti's Pizza. She was studious in every sense of the word; she told me of how she was studying the Bible at the time and finding inspiration, as well as a few inequalities in the Word. She learned quickly, and it was my hope that she would be better listened to if only she could better express her ideas verbally - she had habit to stutter and mumble so as to make some of her better talking points unintelligible. Above all else, I could tell that Gale loved and cared for her community. I wouldn't hesitate to say that this world would be a better place if only more people like Gale took the same initiative to better themselves and the places in which they live.

Gale, who was homeless, was found dead sleeping out a church's steps early last week. The Austin city council has honored Gale by keeping her assigned time to address the council on the books and replaying a videotaped address she gave the council in which she sang "Silent Night".

Friends of Jennifer have asked that, if you wish to honor her memory, that you consider making a donation to the Austin-based charity and advocacy group House the Homeless.

Seven Deadly Things

I'm usually not one to post a meme, but I've been tagged by two of my favorite blogging buddies, Jebbica and Beej, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm supposed to post seven facts about myself that aren't common knowledge and then give you seven other blogs to check out. So, here goes...

1. Beej is the gay, blogging cousin of a rockstar with a new album out. I'm also the gay, blogging cousin of a rockstar whose band has a new album out. Can you guess which one? I'll give you a hint: he loves New York (in a fatherly way), but he's from the Midwest. We have a rocky relationship, but we were very close when we were younger. Another hint - he's six months older than I am and we have always been told that we look very much alike.

2. I have Asperger's Syndrome, which is a form of high-functioning autism. Because I've always had trouble identifying emotions, I learned to associate feelings with colors - mixed feelings make more sense to me when thought of as mixed colors.

3. I was a very messy eater growing up. I had the bad habit of rubbing all the food I ate at the back of my head before I put it in my mouth.

4. Somehow, I still hesitate to say or otherwise publicly release the names of people important to me in connection to the stories I tell about them if I am waiting on an outcome of some enterprise - whether business-oriented or personal - for fear of jinxing the whole deal.

5. I didn't learn how to snap until I was twelve.

6. I once kissed Jason Mraz backstage a concert (it was only a peck, but it was on the lips).

7. My great-great grandfather on my father's side was suspected to have been a member of the Jesse James gang.

Now, you should check-out:

1. Out With Me - Mitchel is an awesome nightlife photographer from Austin

2. BurntOrangeReport.com - An Austin website keeping Austin Weird

3. Best Gay Blogs - A great source of great gay and gay-oriented blogs

4. Gravy and Biscuits - A funny, Southern-fried take on Hollywood, run by my BBFF (blogging best friend forever), Jebbica

5. aeryn42 - She's on livejournal and you'll have to ask her to friend you if you want to see the really, really funny stuff, but it's totally worth it. I remember her from my days as weweregods

6. This is Illuminati - Okay, so Chris has been tagged by others, but I love his writing and his blog

7. Pink Sheep of the Family - Ditto for the circumstances above for this one, but I don't care. I can't go a day without my pink sheep fix.

P.S. - I'm including a picture from my youth as have others... You have to admit, I was a cute kid.

Drama-Free Birthdays

I'm twenty-nine years old today. I don't know why but it feels better spelling the entire word, rather than expressing it numerically.

You know? I don't actually care that I'm only one year away from the big three-oh. With all the shit I've been through, you couldn't pay me to go back to twenty-five. Besides, I have to celebrate every last second of this birthday, because it's got to last five more years before I decide to turn thirty. I'll just start celebrating the anniversary of my twenty-ninth.

No, no, really; I'm happy to be twenty-nine today. Mostly, I am happy that my life is becoming more drama-free with every year. So, in honor of the passing of my more emotional years, here's a list of the drama I wish other people would get over:

1) People who constantly threaten to delete their Myspace/Facebook/Livejournal account

Okay, I admit I was one of these people at one time, but come on! Grow up! I say this with all the Christian love and kindness I can possibly muster: get therapy or get the razor blade ready - remember kids; it's down the street, not across the road.

2) People who try to initiate text message conversations

Your English teachers should be bitch-slapped for letting you spell with numbers. In my book, text messaging is one step above smoke signals. If it's ease we're looking for in our communication, perhaps we should all learn semaphore and Esperanto?

3) Bikers who point rapidly in the direction they're turning, rather than learning the appropriate traffic hand signals

When I see some trog biking with a bright orange helmet and kneepads, pretending he's Lance Armstrong with Creatine in his water bottle that doesn't know the proper way to tell motorists that he's about to turn, I want to run him down just to prove my point. Don't worry about testicular cancer pal, you'll be lucky if you have one nut when I'm done.

4) This guy from Top Chef Season 4


I keep half-expecting Dr. House to hobble into the kitchen and call him an Australian homo.

5) Laffy-daffy little queens that think anyone over twenty-five is old

I'm not getting older, I'm getting better!

6) Horny midget twinks

I am 6'1". I'm only a little over average male height for a man in Texas, but I'm a giant compared to some men - especially those on the East coast. I went to all kinds of bars when I was in New Jersey (I love Italian men!) and I felt like I was walking into the Wizard of Oz during the Lollipop Guild's number.

By the by, one of the friends with whom I was traveling told the story of how he and a coworker were trying to ascertain whether or not I was gay - I'll get to this annoyance later - and mentioned that they tried to see if I would sing along with the song I Will Survive as it was playing in the sub shop across from the office, then an irksome little blonde twinkie who spent most of the night informing us all that he was the definition of a twink said, "I'll survive if I can be your top," to me.

I looked at him and replied, "Baby, you'd need a highchair just to reach my ass!"

7) Those that try to ascertain whether someone is gay or not with stupid, meaningless litmus tests

If you want to know whether someone is gay or not, ask them. It's the simplest solution. If they say yes, then they are. If they say no, then they still might be, but it's the most polite way of telling you that it's none of your business - which it isn't.

8) Women that refer to heterosexuality as "normal"

I am normal and I am gay. I am also autistic, which is also not referred to as “normal”, but non-neurotypical.

9) Women that seduce gay men

Look, I know gay men are better. We smell better, we know how to treat women, many of us like to shop and dance and don't worry about what other men think of us doing so...

Let me just put it this way: the movie Teeth just confirms everything I've ever believed about vagina.

10) People that don't think they are representatives of their communities

Look, we all live in a community, whether we like it or not. We are all apart of several different groups of people. It doesn't matter if you like it or if you don't, you are a representative of your community. The human brain is geared towards patterns; if we see one gay person acting a certain way, then it will pattern that behavior as being "gay". It's not politically correct - hell, it's not even correct! - but it's true. So get used to it and be a good ambassador for your community!

Dirty-Dirt and the Funky Bunch

In preparation for my birthday trip to Austin, I called my old friend Mike. Since we hadn't had the chance to chat in a while, we began gossiping a bit when he told me about the "career choices" of a young man with whom we were once familiar. I wouldn't exactly refer to this person as a friend. As I recall, the word whore (along with its counterparts: man-whore, slutty queen and filthy slut) were volleyed around often in reference to him.

By the by, Mike told me that this man had chosen to "work" for a sleazy, dirty old man that frequented the bar he worked in as a promoter as a nude model. For those unfamiliar with gay terminology, "nude model" is code for cheap porn actor for a scummy website. The website's name, as conveyed to me by Mike, is Boyfunk.com. Seriously? Boy funk? Sounds like something you take penicillin for... Actually, should you find yourself longing for sex - or any kind of tactile contact, for that matter - with anyone appearing on that site, precautionary measures might be a good idea.

Holy Crap, It's like Blondie meets the Donnas!

I want it. I <3 Dragonette!

Strange, But Totally True!

It's strange, but totally true: the electrochemical cell battery, believed invented by Alessandro Volta in 1800, may have actually been discovered by the Ancient Mesopotamians in Iraq more than a millennium before. The jars suspected to be batteries were dubbed the Baghdad Batteries because of a peculiar theory about their possible significance.

In a paper published in 1940, the German curator of the National Museum of Iraq surmised that some strange terracotta jars discovered in a village near Baghdad in 1936 may have been galvanic batteries used for electroplating - a process by which a chemist uses a small electrical charge to magnetize one type of metal so that it will attract small particles of another metal and plate that substance on top of the original, making it appear to have changed properties from one metal to another. This is a simple process; in fact, most high school chemistry students are familiar with the process under the guise of the "Brass Penny Experiment" in which the students electroplate a copper penny in a brass solution.

Many disbelieve this theory, despite it's overwhelming plausibility - many experiments using replicas of the "batteries" for electroplating have been conducted and successful. There is a great deal of circumstantial evidence, as well as mythological clues. Take, for example, the legend of a magical science called alchemy; the primary and legendary goal of which was said to be the transmutation of ordinary metals (typically lead) into precious gold. Now, if you were an ancient, living a millennium ago and you saw someone conducting what is now referred to as the "Brass Penny Experiment", but with a gold solution in place of the brass, what other explanation would you have for this but magic? Is the Baghdad Battery the source for the myth of Alchemy?

I'm not sure...

but I think someone memorialized a poem about beer goggles.

Strange, But Totally True!

It's strange, but true: a story eerily similar to the Titanic disaster was published fourteen years before the actual tragedy.

In the book Futility (first published in 1898), Morgan Robertson wrote about a massive British steel luxury liner named the Titan - the largest ship ever built, measuring 800 feet from stem to stern, according the fictitious account - that was deemed by its builders as "unsinkable" for its use of the latest ship-building technology: nineteen water-tight compartments. Because the fabricated ship was considered an unstoppable human triumph of ingenuity and invention, the ship carried far too few lifeboats (only 24, which was only enough for 500 of the literary vessel's 3000 passengers.) The Titan was traversing through the North Atlantic in April, traveling at 25 knots, when it collided with a iceberg on its Starboard side near midnight. The novel states the wreck of the Titan was to be the worst nautical disaster in history - a large portion of its passengers (2,987 people) drowning and dying of hypothermia in the cold Atlantic waters.

The Titanic was the largest luxury liner constructed to that point in history. The British steel ship measured 882.5 feet from stem to stern. It was deemed "unsinkable" by its builders due to the use of the latest ship-building technology: sixteen water-tight compartments that would allow the ship to remain afloat even if several of these compartments became flooded. Because the ship was believed to be the safest vessel of its day, there were far too few lifeboats aboard (only 20 for it's 2,228 passengers.) The Titanic was traversing through the North Atlantic in April, traveling at 22.5 knots , when it collided with an iceberg on its Starboard side near midnight (11:40 PM, to be exact). The wreck of the Titanic is still considered the worst nautical disaster in history - a large portion of it's passengers (1,523 people) drowning and dying of hypothermia in the cold waters of the Atlantic.

Click here to read more about the Titanic disaster.

Click here to read about the similarities between the fictional Titan and the Titanic.

Click the photo above to read, or buy a copy of Futility.

Strange, But Totally True!

It's strange, but true: Elvis Presley was a blonde! That's right folks, the raven-haired, fifties crooner that made the girls swoon was born an ash blonde. He began dying his hair black with expensive dye in honor of his silver screen idol, Tony Curtis.

Deep Thoughs

I have nothing against straight people, as long as they act gay in public.

Back From Outer Space

Well, my loves (and hates), I'm back from my novel writing adventure and plan to bring you much more on Hate Valentine. That all being said, I have some changes in the works. Firstly, I am moving my private blog here. So Hate Valentine will have a lot more information on my life, thoughts, interests, etc. Also, I am planning on opening another site. I know what you are thinking and, no, the new one will not be for profit. The new site I have in mind will be based around a social experiment and any income it earns will go to charity, but I'll give you more information on that as it materializes.

Thanks guys, and welcome back!

Rachel Ray, Thousands of Men Have A Present For You This Year!

Lulu.com, the self-publishing online platform features this little gem: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes - a cookbook entailing the use of semen. All recipes have that added ingredient, a little touch of love. Most of the recipes are tossed-off... ehm... offered up to you with a sophisticated palate in mind. Julia Child eat your heart out! I particularly enjoy the instruction on jerked ingredients and how to whip your own cream!

The book's description:

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!

Just in time for Christmas!

Let The Crazyness Begin!

This year, I've decided to challenge myself. Much more than combating my self-destructive impulses in only one arena, I've made the decision to challenge myself in every sense. I want to be more fit, more kind, more constructive, more prosperous, more intelligent... more and better in every way.

To that end, I'm going to challenge myself this year (starting now) to as many difficult tasks as is possible. I'll be writing a new novel in only one month with National Novel-Writing Month, I'm finally going to reveal those fab abs that have been hiding from me these past few years and I'm going to get a second degree while I prepare for my thirtieth birthday.

NanoWrimo begins today, so I'd better get a move-on to see my novel by the end of this month! See you all soon!!!

Things I Learned From This Election Cycle

America is nothing if not a nation of learning and education. This election year has brought us many lessons, as well as many laughs - thanks The Daily Show!

So, I bring you a list of things that this election has taught me:

#1) There is always something that we all, Republican and Democrat alike, can agree upon. In this case, it appears we all agree that West Virginia is a shithole. It's truly the irregularly-shaped, oblong anus of the country.

#2) If you want your son to grow-up to be a brainless douchebag, name him Tucker.

Exhibit A) Tucker Bounds
Exhibit B) Tucker Carlson
Exhibit C) Tucker Max

#3) Should you find yourself loosing any contest, you should throw all decorum out the window and swing wildly at your opponent, preferably using words that are really scary to inbred morons - like your running mate.

#4) You should always vote opposite of anyone appearing on The Hills.

#5) In the Republican dictionary, fairness equals "socialism" and brain-dead equals sassy.

#6) It always takes a Democrat to clean-up the mess left by a Republican.

Goodnight and good luck... oh, and God speed!

P.S. - Check-out Gravy and Biscuits for an awesome giveaway - including a $25 gift card to Macy's and other fun prizes!

A Question for Sarah Palin

You’d have to be living under the same rock as Osama Bin Ladin not to have heard the recent attacks by the McCain/Palin campaign calling Barack Obama’s economic and tax policies socialist. Many news organizations have called out McCain on his unequivocal support for the Wall Street bailout and the nationalization of America’s banking system in relation to his latest accusations of socialism, but no one is ‘nailin’ Palin’ on the latest bone tossed to her by McCain to launch “socialism” attacks on the Obama ticket.

The definition of socialism: a theory or system of social organization advocating placing the ownership and control of capital, land, and means of production in the community as a whole (on an individual basis or through a local or central governing agency) and planning the proceeds of such to be distributed as evenly as possible through general population.

Hmmm… That’s interesting, isn’t it? That definition puts me in mind of a certain Alaskan policy whereby Alaskans receive a yearly check – this year’s check will be for $3,269 dollars – in exchange for the rape of the Alaskan wilderness by big oil companies (and Palin advocates that the Alaskan wilderness pay for its own rape kit). Luckily, that rape kit is tax free, as are all goods in Alaska due to its lack of sales tax. There is also no income tax. In defense of Alaskans, many use these funds to pay off debts and purchase fuel for heating their homes. Not unlike how millions of poor Americans would use Obama’s sponsored tax cuts, I suspect.

Knowing all this Governor Palin, do you still want to continue to call Obama a socialist that advocates a tax policy equivalent to “welfare”? Are you making these attacks because you haven’t realized the irony, or are you really as empty-headed as you appear every time you open your mouth in public?

Hiatus

Well, folks, I hope you like Hate Valentine. I put a lot of love into the layout and I personally like what I was able to somehow do with the logo with my limited Photoshop skills - all self-taught. It's my baby and it's still in its infancy, so it's a little painful to do this, but I'm taking a bit of a blogging hiatus to focus on returning to college and getting my novel out there and, hopefully, into your hot little hands.

Make no mistake, HV is my love and I love the fact that I have the domain, the original idea (btw, I am adding the definition of a 'hate valentine' to the Urban Dictionary), and the look and feel of the site. I'm not leaving for good, but I need a little breather. Blogging is fun, but it has taken a lot out of my lately. I feel sometimes as if I must be constantly on, making you all laugh. It's fun and I think I've gotten fairly good at it, but it takes a lot of stamina to do it not once, but several times a day. I'd like to see what I can do with that energy in a more sustainable way: channeling it into my writing. I'm going to need that energy as I have decided to major in creative writing and minor in advertising.

But, I don't want you all to go cold turkey, so tomorrow I'll be posting a synopsis of my novel and linking to an excerpt.

See you all in cyberland, bloggies!

Communism vs. Socialism

Doesn't Socialism suck ya'll? Dirty commies givin' handouts to college students, the elderly, the disabled... Doesn't it just make you sick?

Now that our government has turned Communist - FYI: Communism and Socialism aren't the same thing! It may surprise you to know that all democratic nations throughout the world today are limitedly socialist. Why? Because you have to have a work force that is happy, healthy, and educated for the best economy... - I thought I'd give you a list (not necessarily complete) of some other filthy red institutions right here in America's heartland!

- Public Libraries
- Public Parks
- Fire Departments
- Free Clinics
- Social Services
- Social Security
- Public Schools
- Federal Grant and Loan Programs
- Public Universities
- State and National Departments of Health

Sickening, isn't it?

Wife After Death

Following the success of Debra Messing's TV movie, The Starter Wife, Debra's moving on to two new television series': The Starter Wife (the series) and The Starter Mannequin. Now, we all know how much the series' love to make wife puns, so I thought I'd add a few suggestions to the pot.

-Wife learns Photoshop, removes all signs of character (and humanity) from face.

-Wife has eyelids surgically removed.

-Wife scares the f*ck out of children with her inability to blink or breath.

-Wife gets patted on the back while doing a Loretta Swit impression, face stays that way.

-Wife gets career as wax statue at Madam Trousseau's.

And finally,

-Wife communicates with husband through John Edward.

Bristol Palin, Is That You?

I log onto my Myspace account today to find this little genius - a fifteen year-old girl - wanting to be my cyber friend. Sorry, Ash, but illiteracy is not cute. To answer your question; no, I am not really gay. I am fake gay. I thought I'd get used to the anal sex and rainbow accoutrement but I'm still adjusting. And yes, gay men "have bigger cocks", which is why the anal sex is still a problem.

Midnight Maneuvers

Recently haven taken a first aid course, I have learned that a life-saving maneuver named after the doctor who invented it has (uncooly) been copyrighted against people using it's former name. Thanks, Doctor Heimlich!

The doctor claimed, previous to his copyright protection, that his maneuver doesn't just save from a choking death, but from heart attacks, drowning, pants crapping and zombieism. Think about it! Zombieism. Have you ever seen anyone try it on the big screen when faced with the flesh-eating undead? Maybe it's just somebody they ate.

So, I've decided to give humanity a helping hand and rename this life-saving act.

Choice #1 - A Food Cesarean

Choice #2 - Add Music and You're Going To Baptist Hell Twist

Choice #3 - The Non-Sexual Reach-Around

Just doing my part, people!

A Note On The Picture: I'm really glad they added food coming out of the dog's mouth, or else that picture is just plain wrong.

Reality Check

It was a trying night for reality television on the gayest of reality networks, Bravo, on Wednesday night. First, Jerrell was (rightfully) kicked off of Project Runway. No longer will we have to suffer through garish bead work and and overworked fishnet outfits. Also exciting: the judges accused Kenley of knocking off Alexander McQueen. I, however, feel that both designers knocked off Big Bird.

Later that night, on Top Design, we had to bid a fond farewell to our favorite Asian Truman Capote impersonator with a name more fun to say than bungalow and utilitarianism, Wizit. We'll miss you Cheez-Whiz Pingpong!

Palin's Theory Of Relativity

According to Sarah Palin, because Alaska is relatively close to Russia, she has foreign policy experience. Also, recently, she has inferred that, because Barack Obama was relatively close to William Ayers (a radical, domestic terrorist in the sixties), Obama is a domestic terrorist. It would seem that, either despite or because of her general lack of political knowledge, Palin is forming her own political doctrine: He Who Smelt It, Delt It Doctorine.

David Cook Is Made To Eat His Own Guitar

When I was fifteen, my father caught me smoking a red. He grabbed me by the scuff of my neck like a cat, and made me lead him to the pack I had stolen from my uncle. Then, he made me eat the entire pack. Needless to say, whenever I see someone puffing on a coffin nail, I get a little queasy and feel the need to vomit - just as I did the under my father's supervision. He drove his point home and it looks like someone is using this fatherly lesson with American Idol "winner" David Cook.

Following the favorite punishment of parents and bullies everywhere, David Cook is forced by the legitimate musicians - and by that, I mean people with real musical ability - to eat his own guitar.

Somewhere, Seacrest is hiding a stiffy.

Bald Economics

The US Treasury Department has a new czar in charge of the $700 billion dollar bailout in aid to Seceratary Henry Paulson, Neel Kashkari. Kashkari is the ex-Goldman Sacks vice president who was previously a Principal investigator at a California company that developed the James Webb space telescope and other NASA projects.

What the public doesn't know are the recuirements Paulson set when choosing his bailout czar. Luckily, I have deciphered his code. Here it is:

1) Kashari had to beat Paulson in two out of three games of Monopoly.

2) He had to agree to be called a "czar" as a sly, underhanded shot at the socialist system that allows our government to give $700 billion to private industry to save them from themselves, which all the talking heads will refer to (incorrectly) as communism.

3) He had to bear a striking resemblance to a bald eagle - what could be more American?

4) He had to have crazy-ass, psychotic, extra-chromosome-lookin' eyes - incidentally, he almost lost on this quality to Audrina Patridge.

Must... Not... Make... Food-Related... Sex... Joke...

Come on! He's eating her taco and looking at her melons! But seriously, aren't these two six-figure earners? Why on Earth would someone making over $100,000 a year eat soggy Alpo out of a taco shell from the dollar menu? Meanwhile, Spence is trying to hid his tiny penner while he should be stopping children from stealing his Lucky Charms.

Hate Valetine Is Good For You!

See, hate isn't all that bad! If only Chupacabra and Nicky Sticks read this blog. Maybe Nicky's little girl would be able to avoid a lifetime of eating disorders.

The Gossip I Hate, Girl

Gossip Girl will have to share this hate valentine with Jossip. David Hauslaib's imitation Gawker site that launches a daily New-Yorker-than-thou assault news and entrainment proves that it's as flexible as a contortionist as it pats itself on the back while kissing the CW's ass for placing banner ads at exorbitant cost and raising the painfully vapid show's viewer base from four twelve year-old girls to eight. All the while, they tip-toe around the faltering network, but still manage to get snarky with the Gossip Girl author. Not that I'm trying to defend the literary twit - trust me, I have enough hate to go around. I just find it a little distasteful, that's all. Not at all classy.

Still, the primary focus of my hatred is for the least talented, most self-absorbed cast about spoiled rich brats in New York. I know I may be bombing my New York readers here, but I can't stand the New York attitude. I also really don't like how everyone that manages to string 100,000 words together, set a book in the Big Apple and write inanely about shoes and trust funds pulls a Times Bestseller out of their ass these days. I truly believe the whole show is in poor taste now that we may be eating our family pets for sustenance and burning family heirlooms for heat in the current credit crisis. I couldn't care less about what teenage slut is getting nailed in a bus bathroom with all the other problems in this world.

I only have this left to say: INF Daily wrote, "So when do you think they're getting around to filming the all-male, all-topless episode of Gossip Girl???" Oh, sweetheart, I think they've already gotten around to that, but I doubt they've filmed it.

Chupa Needs To Deflate Now

What evil will keeps Rachel Zoe, that husk of a woman, up and animated. Is her gay husband also a necromancer? Maybe he's not gay at all and it's just the thought of kissing the animated corpse of a woman possessed by a demon from hell that makes all of their intimate interactions seem so uncomfortable. I'm waiting for Liz and Hell Boy to show up and Zoe to start spitting fire and spilling her black, acidic blood all over a group of FBI agents.

Whatever it is, we know Zoe doesn't require food, but she might bathe in the blood of young girls and bow down to the cow-headed goddess Botoxia. She's a size zero, which doesn't seem like a lot of evil, but she magnifies her ungodly abilities by cavorting with "stars" like Nichole Richie. Richie and Rach must fight over who has to snort the last of the oxygen in the room as they both continue to hold their breath lest their ribs collapse under the weight of normal room pressure. It's okay though... Zoe has two assistants now, so there's always someone for blow into her nozzle and fill her full of hot air.

Zoe, you're the original hot pocket!

"The Hills" Twits Need To Be Eaten

I cannot be alone in my hatred of the TMM (Television Minus Music) show, The Hills. These intellect sucking vamprissies lower the bar in obscenely stupid, moronic entertainment on a weekly basis. They make a mockery out of little things like talent, class, style and sophistication. They make celebrities out of people who should, by all rights, be begging for coins on the streets of LA.

I hope that the creepy bald guy from The Hills Have Eyes crawls out of his cave to sauté these pom-poms - Malibu Barbie with Shrimp.

The Queen of all Mediocrity Needs To Go Away

Porkez Hilton makes me wish the morning-after pill was retroactive so I could stuff a handful down his mother's throat. This thieving pit-stain steals from other bloggers, graphic artists, photographers and collective human intellect. He's talentless, tasteless and unfunny. Stop giving money to this lumpy sack of foul-smelling crap.

He's been asked to be the queer spokesperson for Levis - and might I mention that it's sickening to think that anyone among the straight community thinks that the anyone in the gay community feels comfortable allowing Mario to speak for us - now that they've decided to pander to the gay community with segments on the Logo network (it's like Lifetime, but even less people are watching) for gobs of gay green. Like any self-respecting gay man would be caught in a brand of jeans sold at Wal-Mart...

Perez Hilton isn't the pride of the gay community, he's the shame. He's a walking, talking stereotype that makes us all look like whinny, lisping, gossipy, bitchy hacks that steal from one another rather than attempting to produce anything original. There's nothing to be proud of in his never-in-fashion plaid slacks with elastic waistbands.

Steal this post, you human skidmark!

Elizabeth Hasselbitch, Please Die NOW!

This hate valentine goes to the deluded, empty-headed, gum-for-brains bimbo from The View, Elizabeth Hasselbitch. This rancid Hostess Twinkie with ladywood for McCain and an urge to wrestle in tapioca with Sarah Palin just can't get it through her head that no one cares for whom she votes.

In an interview at a Republican fundraiser she hosted, she made the mistake of revealing behind-the-scenes information regarding the show she and four other cackling hens annoy America with on a daily basis. She twisted the facts to make Cindy McCain, the Borg Queen, look as if she had nothing to hide behind her human-faced mask. It's ironic that she referenced campaigning females hiding things, considering Sarah Palin is now trying to convince the media that Alaska, indeed, doesn't exist and she's single-handedly been protecting the U.S. from polar bear invasion.

Hasselbitch, I think you should be deported to one of those countries whose only income originates from selling children to Angelina Jolie-Pitt. Why is it you keep insisting that your opinion matters? Give a shotgun a BJ, you worthless she-beast.

Million Dollar Ewoks

I loathe Tuesday night television and its reality bore-fest. There's nothing remotely interesting on, with the possible exception of the new X-files/Lost knockoff, Fringe. We'll have to wait and see if that's actually any good. To top that all off we have two of the worst, most vapid and annoying shows on the planet to suffer through: Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency and Million Dollar Listing.

If it wasn't bad enough that we have to see Janice Jackson and her cavalcade of cosmetic surgery horrors as she tells a bunch of overly pampered models who need to get real jobs, but are devoid of anything remotely resembling talent that they're too fat - size zero doesn't cut it, fatso - then we have the self-absorbed Ewoks of Million Dollar Listing trying to sell real estate (as opposed to fake estate - thanks Fannie Mae!) to irk us to the point of a cruel murder/suicide pact.

This season of the show is over and not a moment too soon, but they cannot escape a hate valentine from yours truly.

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Shaun Industry™ is full of hate. His first hateful novel, Theorhetorical, is nearly finished. He lives in a loathsome neighborhood, full of vile people. He loves his two hell hounds and his magic turntables of +1 evil.



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